Stephen Colbert Teaches Us That Life Isn’t Something You Can Plan


If there is anyone who knows about improvisation, it’s comedian Stephen Colbert.

In his commencement speech at Northwestern University in 2011, Colbert reminded students that you cannot plan life. Life throws too many curve balls. There are too many unpredictable things that can happen. The most successful and happy people are not those who have a plan, but those who can roll with the punches and overcome the obstacles. He goes on to site his time as an improvised comic and how all of the actors working together to create a scene out of literally nothing, are all working for one another. He states that like improvised comedy, you don’t know what happens next in life. You just make it up as you go along. You can watch the whole speech below.


Stephen Colbert 2011 Commencement Speech at Northwestern University

Transcript of the Video:

0:09
good morning Thank You Sonia Thank You
0:14
president Shapiro my thanks to the
0:16
chairman of the board of trustees
0:17
William Osborne and provost Dan Linzer
0:20
we’ve already thanked the parents today
0:23
but please don’t forget to thank them
0:26
again when you move back in with them
0:34
and since this is fathers days weekend
0:37
let’s give it up for the father’s out
0:40
there shall we
0:47
kids
0:48
do something nice for dad today like for
0:53
instance before you introduce your
0:54
boyfriend ask him to remove his tongue
0:56
ring and thanks to you the class of 2011
1:07
you are what some have called the
1:09
greatest generation not many but some so
1:14
far just me
1:16
and I’m counting on you to not make me
1:19
look like an idiot by saying it so be
1:22
great no pressure I am humbled to be
1:25
standing here on stage of today’s other
1:28
honorary degree recipients William
1:30
shabbos human rights champion who is
1:32
here to investigate northwestern for
1:34
cruelly allowing you to graduate into
1:36
this job market dr. Barbara Liskov the
1:41
first woman to earn a PhD in computer
1:45
science and I don’t know how she could
1:48
concentrate surrounded by all those
1:50
notoriously sexy male programmers and of
1:57
course opera legend Jesse Norman though
2:00
that I’m a fan but I have to say that’s
2:03
something of a disappointment I normally
2:04
start these speeches by singing
2:06
Schubert’s Ave Maria but I don’t want to
2:09
steal anybody’s thunder
2:22
luckily those are the only words I know
2:27
now as you have explained to your
2:31
grandparents my name is Stephen Colbert
2:37
but I also play a character on TV who
2:40
has named Stephen Colbert and I don’t
2:42
always know which one of us has been
2:44
invited to speak well today I am fairly
2:48
confident that i am me because I went to
2:52
Northwestern University and my character
2:55
went to Dartmouth so he was there for
3:01
graduation last weekend and heard Conan
3:04
speak it was it was a really good speech
3:08
but he was hoping it was going to be
3:09
Leno
3:12
now I am honored I am honored to be your
3:16
commencement speaker on this the 25th
3:18
anniversary of my graduating class any
3:21
fellow nineteen eighty Sixers out there
3:23
today wow wow we need to get more
3:27
involved I was hoping we were all going
3:31
to get together later in our leg warmers
3:33
and put on our sony walkman and listen
3:35
to wang chung and mr. mr. till the flock
3:37
of seagulls came home but i guess i’ll
3:40
be doing that alone but as honors i am
3:45
to be here i am also a little bit
3:47
surprised to be your graduation speaker
3:49
considering that 25 years ago today i
3:52
did not actually graduate i thought i
3:55
was graduating my family was here we
4:00
were all dressed up in this ridiculous
4:01
medieval garb by the way i didn’t
4:04
realize they had Dacron in the middle
4:05
ages but when i went up to get my
4:09
diploma and the Dean kathy martin handed
4:13
me the folder she leaned in and said I’m
4:15
sorry
4:19
now I didn’t know what this meant but it
4:22
did not sound good I was hoping with
4:25
some new form of Latin honorific like
4:27
summa cum laude I’m sorry cum laude but
4:34
when I got back to my seat and they
4:36
opened the handsome pleather folder
4:38
instead of containing an embossed
4:40
diploma there was instead a piece of
4:42
paper torn from a legal pad that said
4:45
see me dean kathy martin this is true
4:49
story evidently i had an incomplete of
4:51
which i was not aware so in my
4:54
graduation photos with my family i am
4:58
holding up a scrap of yellow paper the
5:02
first person in my family to earn a
5:04
yellow scrap of paper the rest of them
5:07
got diplomas so remember just by
5:11
graduating today on your graduation day
5:13
you are starting your career way ahead
5:16
of me be proud of that because
5:19
northwestern is a school to be proud of
5:21
in academics athletics science public
5:25
service it represents humanity at its
5:28
best and on dillo day it represents
5:31
humanity at its worst now
5:36
for you parents dillo day is a festival
5:40
that started in 1972 to honor the
5:43
armadillo that is the best explanation i
5:47
can offer i’m sorry today evidently
5:52
armadillos are honored by drinking four
5:54
loko out of a super soaker while dancing
5:56
to the new pornographers in a drunken
5:57
mosh pit filled mostly with National
5:59
Merit finalists
6:06
Northwestern’s alumni list is truly
6:08
impressive this university has graduated
6:11
best-selling authors Olympians
6:13
presidential candidates Grammy winners
6:15
Peabody winners Emmy winners and that’s
6:18
just me
6:23
and I loved I loved my time at
6:25
Northwestern I was a transfer student
6:29
Wow I was a transfer student from a
6:33
small all male college in virginia where
6:36
i had been a philosophy major but i
6:39
decided to switch to something with
6:41
stronger job prospects theatre major
6:47
which reminds me I forgot to warm up I
6:50
come amidst the mists and fiercest Frost
6:55
with beres wrists and stout his boasts
6:57
he thrusts his fists against the posts
7:00
and still insists he sees the ghosts I
7:02
wanted to do to die today at a minute or
7:05
two to two a thing distinctly hard to
7:07
say but harder still to do for the betta
7:08
22 at 22 errata tête-à-tête detector
7:10
22 when the dragon will come when he
7:12
hears the drama eminent to to to today
7:13
at a minute a 22 21 bread
7:18
one breath I not only love studying
7:25
theatre I love being a theater major it
7:30
gave me an excuse to brood publicly to
7:34
grow a beard to wear black people I just
7:39
want to play Hamlet I wanted to be
7:41
Hamlet but I also got a great education
7:44
while I was here Northwestern’s academic
7:47
resources are unparalleled the library
7:49
contains 5 million books and 100,000
7:53
periodicals none of which anyone reads
7:55
because they’re not on an iPad next year
7:59
i believe deering library is being
8:00
turned into a chipotle now here’s an
8:09
interesting fact a recent poll among
8:11
private universities found that students
8:14
at northwestern have the lowest desire
8:17
to have sex I think that is possibly
8:22
because this year northwestern offered
8:24
some truly advanced instruction in human
8:28
sexuality
8:33
I saw some photos of the lab equipment
8:36
and I’m thinking you may have been
8:37
scared off sex forever it might actually
8:41
have been a stealth abstinence program
8:43
or a viral ad campaign for true value
8:46
hardware graduates good luck explaining
8:51
what I’m talking about to your
8:52
grandmother at brunch
8:59
still that low sex drive is surprising
9:02
giving that Evanston is riddled with
9:03
brothels oh yeah they’re out there but
9:12
thankfully this town is enforcing a
9:15
century old city ordinance that
9:16
prohibits more than three unrelated
9:18
individuals from living together lest
9:20
they reach critical mass and
9:22
spontaneously prostitute themselves I am
9:25
all for this law you cannot be too
9:27
careful in this economy running a
9:30
brothel might be the most reliable work
9:32
out there and before everybody jumps on
9:35
me I’m not saying that everybody at
9:37
Northwestern will become prostitutes
9:38
obviously the Kellogg graduates will
9:41
become pimps I am expecting big things
9:46
from you people
9:50
so you have a great town a great school
9:53
you have a great life here perhaps too
9:56
great because I see evidence that since
9:59
I left northwestern has gone soft and
10:01
don’t go oh what’s he talking about you
10:03
know exactly what i am talking about i
10:05
am talking about the snow day you were
10:10
hoping i hadn’t heard about that on
10:13
wednesday februari second 2011
10:16
northwestern was closed because of snow
10:18
oh no what’s that white stuff coming
10:20
down from the sky in Chicago in February
10:24
I’m sorry that is weak let me ask the
10:28
other alumni here you have class is
10:29
called because it was a little brisk
10:31
outside no because we were Wildcats when
10:34
Wildcats were wild cats for pete’s sake
10:40
it’s called northwestern because when it
10:42
was found and this was on the edge of
10:44
the Northwest Territories the first
10:46
graduating class was offered a double
10:48
major in fur trapping and frostbite my
10:51
first winter here this is a true story
10:53
you can look it up I endured what is
10:55
still the coldest day in Chicago’s
10:58
history january twenty january twentieth
11:02
nineteen eighty-five negative 27 degrees
11:05
negative 83 with the windchill yeah if
11:10
you weren’t careful your genitals would
11:12
snap off like a graham cracker
11:15
did nu close no we went to class well
11:20
not me I was a theater major and I
11:22
didn’t go to class that often but we
11:24
were supposed to
11:27
have I mentioned I finished college with
11:29
an incomplete and we didn’t have
11:33
cellphones if you made plans to meet
11:35
someone in a snowstorm and they didn’t
11:37
show up you just assumed they were
11:39
devoured by wolves and went on with your
11:41
life and we couldn’t text we certainly
11:45
couldn’t sext each other if you wanted
11:48
to send someone a picture of your
11:49
private parts you had to fax it that’s
11:53
how kinkos got its name
12:00
you had to fill out a cover letter and
12:01
everything was embarrassing
12:04
but the clearest example of how this
12:06
once great institution has failed you
12:08
students in 1986 our commencement
12:12
speaker was George Shultz Secretary of
12:15
State fourth in line to the president
12:19
you get me basic cable’s second most
12:25
popular fake news man at this rate the
12:29
class of twenty twenty-one will be
12:30
addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar
12:32
board that has been trained to say
12:34
congratulations but I am NOT here to
12:40
talk about me I am here to inspire you
12:42
by talking about me fair warning we are
12:48
now entering the meaningful part of the
12:50
speech those of you who already have
12:53
enough meaning in their lives can go do
12:54
something else maybe try to remember
12:56
where you parked the rental car this
13:00
spring I participated in a sailing race
13:02
from South Carolina halfway across the
13:05
Atlantic to Bermuda in many ways it was
13:08
a beautiful journey stars wheeling
13:10
overhead whales breaching to starboard
13:13
which I actually think is over here and
13:16
in many other ways it was horrible we
13:20
were filthy and tired for seven days
13:22
none of us slept for more than three
13:25
hours at a pop which remember is how
13:28
Stalin broke his enemies and how infants
13:31
break their parents
13:33
you’ll find out now we eventually made
13:37
it to Bermuda and after a few days there
13:38
I came back home by plane and looking
13:41
out the window I felt completely
13:43
artificial it felt so strange to fly
13:45
over the same thousand miles of water
13:47
that we just fought our way across inch
13:49
by inch and the ease of coming back
13:53
somehow made it that much harder to
13:55
explain to friends what it was like out
13:56
there what was lost in what was gained
13:58
on that sublime and terrible trip and in
14:02
some ways it feels just as artificial to
14:04
fly back after 25 years to try to tell
14:07
you how to navigate the waters ahead
14:09
though it’s tempting to think that I can
14:11
because like many people my age I have
14:14
fantasized about traveling back in time
14:16
and giving advice to my younger self to
14:18
stop young Stephen on a street corner
14:20
and say break up with her you idiot
14:22
haven’t you noticed that she’s nicer to
14:25
the dog or by real estate or for God’s
14:28
sake don’t buy real estate or under no
14:33
circumstances should you wear white
14:35
jeans even on a cruise also don’t go on
14:39
a cruise or wear sunscreen having a tan
14:43
looks nice now but in 20 years your face
14:45
will look like a catcher’s mitt but I
14:49
doubt my younger self would even listen
14:52
to me I’m sure he’d say there’s no way
14:55
you could be me I have a chin
14:59
Plus youngmee would never respect old me
15:02
he is in the theater I am on TV a total
15:09
sellout so to recap so far i am going to
15:13
try to give you who for all intents and
15:15
purposes are me 25 years ago some advice
15:18
that i probably won’t get right and you
15:21
probably won’t listen to ready let’s do
15:24
this thing okay you have been told to
15:28
follow your dreams but what if it’s a
15:32
stupid dream
15:39
for instance Stephen Colbert of 25 years
15:42
ago lived at 2015 Northridge with two
15:47
men and three women in what I now know
15:49
was a brothel he he dreamed of living
15:54
alone well alone with his beard in a
15:58
large barren loft apartment lots of
16:01
blond wood wearing a kimono with a futon
16:04
on the floor and a samovar of tea
16:06
constantly bubbling the background doing
16:08
Shakespeare in the street for homeless
16:10
people today I am a beardless suburban
16:15
dad who lives in a house where’s no iron
16:17
khakis and makes Anthony Weiner jokes
16:19
for a living and I love it because
16:23
thankfully dreams can change if we’d all
16:26
stuck with our first dream the world
16:28
would be overrun with cowboys and
16:30
princesses so whatever your dream is
16:34
right now if you don’t achieve it you
16:36
haven’t failed and you’re not some loser
16:39
but just as importantly and this is the
16:42
part I may not get right and you may not
16:44
listen to if you do get your dream you
16:48
are not a winner after I graduated from
16:51
here I move down to Chicago to do
16:55
improvisation now they’re very few rules
16:58
to improv but one of the things I was
17:00
taught early on is that you are not the
17:02
most important person in the scene
17:04
everybody else is and if everybody else
17:07
is more important than you are you will
17:11
naturally pay attention to them and
17:12
serve them but the good news is you’re
17:16
in the scene too so hopefully to them
17:19
you’re the most important person and
17:21
they will serve you no one is leading
17:23
you’re all following the follower
17:25
serving the servant you cannot win
17:29
improv and life is an improvisation you
17:34
have no idea what’s going to happen next
17:36
and you are mostly just ganking ideas
17:38
out of your ass as you go along
17:41
and like improv you cannot win your life
17:46
even when it might look like you are
17:49
winning for instance I have my own show
17:51
which I love doing full of very talented
17:53
people who are eager and ready to serve
17:58
me and that is great but at its best I
18:02
am serving them just as hard and
18:05
together we serve a common idea in this
18:08
case the character Stephen Colbert who
18:10
it’s clear isn’t interested in serving
18:11
anyone and a sure sign that things are
18:15
going well is that no one can remember
18:19
whose ideas was whose or who should get
18:22
credit for what jokes though naturally I
18:25
get credit for them all but if we should
18:29
serve others and together serve come
18:31
some common goal or idea for any one of
18:35
you what is that idea and who are those
18:39
people in my experience you will truly
18:43
serve only what you love because service
18:47
is love made visible if you love friends
18:51
you will serve your friends if you love
18:54
community you will serve your community
18:57
if you love money you will serve your
19:00
money and if you love only yourself you
19:04
will serve only yourself and you will
19:06
have only yourself so no winning instead
19:11
try to love others and serve others and
19:15
hopefully find those who love and serve
19:18
you in return and in closing
19:22
I like to apologize for being
19:24
predictable apparently the New York
19:27
Times has analyzed the hundreds of
19:29
commencement speeches given so far in
19:31
2011 and found that the words love and
19:35
service were two of the most used words
19:39
I can only hope that because of my
19:42
speech today the word brothel comes in a
19:46
close third thank you for the honor of
19:50
addressing you and congratulations to
19:52
the class of 2011
20:23
Thank You Stephen

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *